The Golden Bird Files
by M N Khan
Summary: The private thoughts of Katherine Janeway in the Delta Qudrant CHAPTER 2 ADDED
1. Default Chapter

The Golden Bird Files  
chap 1: The New Earth Incident  
Author: Maimun N. Khan  
Email: banglaminerva@aol.com  
Summary: Captain Janeway realizes that Kathryn realizes some things after New Earth.  
Rating: G, though it has the B word in it once.  
Spoilers: Resolutions  
Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters belong to TPTB. No infringement intended, though respect to Gene Roddenberry is intended.  
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**Kathryn Janeway walked from her replicator to her couch in semi-darkness. Just moments ago, she had shed her uniform of red and black, shivering at the unbidden thoughts of rage and despondence. She settled into the corner of the couch, her feet tucked under her, and stared at the stars fast being left behind on VoyagerÕs way home.  
A deep sigh escaped her as she turned away from the viewport, picked up the newly replicated pen and old-styled paper journal and began to write...**  
  
For the first time on this journey, I wish we had a counselor on board so I could have someone to talk to. Someone who, in theory, would be safe from my fears. Someone who would know that I'm not really larger than life. Someone who would know that I am Kathryn.  
  
No, once again, I am Captain Janeway. Just 2 days ago, I was Kathryn. It had been a long time since I'd been Kathryn. I'm afraid that I think I'll never get to be her again.  
  
When I opened my eyes while still in the stasis pod and had to shade them from the sunshine, I was still the Captain. To my right, I could see Chakotay awaking in his pod. There was no one else. Just him. And me. I knew that meant that the Doctor had failed even before our conversation confirmed the news. Not only had Captain Janeway condemned her entire crew to decades in the Delta quadrant, now Chakotay was trapped on this planet - with only her - with no hope of ever leaving it, much less returning to home.  
  
That Captain sure can be a bitch.  
  
But Kathryn.... Kathryn loved the feel of the sun on her face. The smell of the dew on the grass. The tug of the breeze trying to pull her hair loose of the command coil.   
  
ÒGive me a few days on that,Ó he'd said when I suggested he call me ÒKathryn.Ó I didn't slow down or turn around when he'd said that. After all, he'd been the one to suggest fraternization protocols not too long ago in spite of the unique situation Voyager was in. As much as Kathryn was eager to shed the yoke of command, Captain Janeway wasn't going to add yet more burdens to her First Officer.  
  
So our days on New Earth began. I continued trying to find a cure for the infection. Hours after hours I collected samples, ran scans, analyzed data. Chakotay did so much to make the shelter home-like. Home. And he tried to stop me from becoming obsessed with finding a cure. The last thing he needed was the one other sentient being on the planet becoming an insane, obsessed woman. So, a few hours each day, the Captain stepped back and let Kathryn soak in the tub, tend the tomato plants, or read a book.  
  
But I wouldn't stop looking for a cure. As long as I'd see Chakotay outside late at night staring deeply into the night sky, I would not stop looking for a way to free him from the trap of New Earth within the trap of the Delta Quadrant.  
  
He made me a bathtub. A wooden bathtub handmade of wood. I've never been given anything like that before. I think I'll never get anything like that again. He'd vanish for hours into the woods and when I asked about it, he teased me. Chakotay teased me. ÒYou're like a kid,Ó he said. And I giggled. It sounded so strange.... giggling, giggling! coming from inside me.  
  
ÒDo you trust me?Ó he asked one dusk. Of course I trusted him. I'd made him my First Officer. And when I told him that, he said, ÒThen let me blindfold you.Ó To say I was stunned doesn't even begin to describe what I felt. I don't know where the Captain was that night. But Kathryn wasn't going to let his teasing win. I let him blindfold me and let him lead me out of our shelter. We only walked a short distance when he stopped me and asked if I was ready. As I said yes, I felt him untie the blindfold so gently.  
  
And there, before me, was the bathtub. The water gleamed gold in the setting sun and it took my breath away. I knew, knew with no doubt, that this is what he had been making all that time. I think I whispered his name. All he said was ÒI'll leave you to enjoy it, Kathryn.Ó  
  
I left the bathtub behind on New Earth. I did scan it and perhaps someday I'll replicate it. It won't be the same... not made by hand. But I'll remember.  
  
What I did bring back though is the headboard that he made. I still read in bed sometimes.  
  
Chakotay seemed to be able to really make a home on New Earth, even while hoping that we might start for home again. He tried to convince me that hope for the future was not balanced with acceptance of the present. To me, they were always counterweights to each other.   
  
That plasma storm came so suddenly. The monkey tried to warn me though. But trying to get back to the shelter as the storm strengthened, I realized that dresses weren't the best attire for pioneering a new land. But I always preferred dresses and didn't even think about it until that storm. I'll have to keep that in mind on future shore leaves. But the storm... I don't know if I'd ever experienced such a strong plasma storm in such a fragile-feeling shelter. We crouched under the table, unsure of how secure the shelter was. But when I started to crawl out to save the research equipment, Chakotay held me back. He wouldn't let me go but I did struggle to escape from him and try to save vials, scanners and such. I was so scared. With each shattering vial, I saw hope of returning home slipping away. I begged him to let me go. And when I think now... I can still feel his hands on my arms keeping me sheltered under the table. I don't think of it very often. The Captain was so angry after the storm calmed. I knew looking around that nothing could be salvaged. I would find no cure. And in my anger, I grasped that the thought that I could have saved the equipment if only he hadn't held me back. I heard myself say in that arctic, condemning tone, ÒDo you know what you just did?Ó  
  
I had no answer to his reply. ÒMade sure we were both here today to put things back together.Ó  
  
I envied the peace Chakotay carried within him. I still envy it. Since he first came on board, he knew how to find a center, a balance. As we were cleaning up from the storm, he was making jokes. Here I had doomed him to a lifetime far from home to a planet with only one other person on it. If I died, he'd be all alone. Yet he joked and planned and hoped still. Voyager was blessed when he came on board.  
  
How ironic that I would envy him his peace just hours before he told me of The Angry Warrior. How silly I was to tell him that we needed to Ôdefine parameters.Õ That was Captain's language and I guess I still wasn't really settled in being just Kathryn and using normal talk. But he interrupted me and told me of the a legend. (Though I still think he was making it up as he went along. For a warrior, he's a very good story-teller.) An Ancient Legend of an Angry Warrior who finds his peace in working with a woman warrior.  
  
I miss my tomato plants already. I went to Astroponics earlier, but it just didn't feel the same. The sun wasn't warming my neck, my shoulders weren't haunched over, the earth wasn't really earth, and the tomatoes there didn't really need my tending. I'm sure any tomatoes that may grow back on the planet would be absolutely delicious. I hope the Monkey enjoys them.  
  
A trip on the river sounded like so much fun. I think, until then, I had forgotten about vacations. But that's what the boat trip sounded like. Not investigating or surveying; not stocking supplies or evaluating. Just looking... exploring... experiencing. It would have been fun.  
  
I was horrified to realize that the sound was Voyager hailing us on our com badges. Kathryn had finally found a home. Then I was horrified for being horrified. Voyager would only return because they had found a cure. The Captain could not entrap anyone, even to such a place as New Earth. Chakotay brought over the com badges to me. Tuvok was calling for Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. But all I could say was ÒThis is Janeway.Ó  
  
Thirty hours later, we were leaving. I kept looking at the tomato plants, the woods, the blue sky. Kathryn kept looking at them. The Captain was coiled and uniformed, glad that Chakotay wasn't looking around as if he would miss New Earth. He would carry his peace with him. Kathryn would miss New Earth enough for both of them.  
  
**Kathryn Janeway set the pen down and took a sip of now cold coffee. She stretched her legs and read what she had written. Then she closed the journal, held it in both hands and stared once more out of her viewport, lost in thought. After a long time she rose and put the journal back in the replicator. After quickly programming and activating the replicator, she took the journal out and examined the newly embedded retinal seal.  
She quickly opened the journal again and added a brief note. **  
  
After a long thought on the idea, I've decided to keep this journal. I might be a child of the 24th century, but I found a release in the ancient task of putting pen to paper that recording my personal logs do not offer. Who knows, perhaps I might even take up drawing again someday. Within this journal will be those things I would likely say to Mother, some friends, or Star Fleet Counselors. But those are not options and I think I should learn to accept the present without losing the hope of the future. This will not substitute for my personal logs, but might let me not lose Kathryn on this long journey home.  
  
**She closed the journal and set it, with the pen, on her shelf. ** 


	2. The Time I Lost Voyager

The Golden Bird Files  
chap 2: The Time I Lost Voyager  
Author: Maimun N. Khan  
Email: banglaminerva@aol.com  
Summary: Kathryn processes the events in Basics  
Rating: G  
Spoilers: Basics  
Disclaimer: Voyager and its characters belong to TPTB. No infringement intended, though respect to Gene Roddenberry is intended.  
Archiving: Please include this note and let me know where.  
  
  
Chakotay has a son.  
  
Seska.  
  
I can't even think in sentences, how the hell could I write in them!  
  
**Kathryn Janeway dropped the journal and pen onto her desk and walked to the replicator. She tread heavy on the carpeted deck and stabbed in her request for coffee, too angry to speak. She held the cup of coffee in her hands, mildly feeling the heat try to penetrate her fingers.  
She glared at her ready room door. Chakotay had just left and Kathryn envied the solace he found on his vision quests. She hoped he found it yet again today. But she seethed with rage.  
With a deep breath, she moved back to her desk and traded the cup for the pen and journal. Her hand rubbed the replicated hand made paper cover of the journal. The dark blue was a few shades lighter than the darkness outside the viewport, but it was filled with swirls and dots of greens, purples and touches of gold. The paper echoed the beauty of space, even out in the Delta Quadrant.  
She opened the book and began writing again.**  
  
I have no right to be this angry, not really. But still, I am. We've just learned that Seska has given birth to Chakotay's son. She stole a sample of his DNA and impregnated herself.  
  
I know. I know. It might all be a trick. She knows how Chakotay would react when he learned that his son was in danger. She knows too what I will do.   
  
Chakotay says that he doesn't want to risk Voyager to save a child he did not choose. I think he's even wondering if he can take this son into his heart.  
  
But I know Chakotay and I know he will not abandon his child and certainly not to the likes of Seska or Cullah. I know he'll choose to go after his son and I know that we will stand with him.  
  
Chakotay's son is our son too.  
  
What kind of soul must Seska have to do this to him?  
  
**Kathryn looked up from her PADD as Chakotay return to her Ready Room. As he approached her desk, Kathryn knew he had decided to claim his son. Before he could speak, she opened a com link to the bridge.  
"Tuvok?"  
"Yes, Captain."  
"Tuvok, go ahead with the preparations I spoke to you about earlier. Senior staff meeting in 20 minutes, reports from everyone please."  
"Yes, Captain. Engineering has reported that they have already started."  
"Thank you."  
Chakotay waited until the com link closed before he spoke. "Am I that predictable? First Seska, now you? And B'Elanna, too"  
The silence sat between them for a moment. Kathryn didn't think she was wrong about his decision, but his grouping of her and B'Elanna together with Seska was unsettling. "Chakotay?" she questioned.  
Her worries subsided with Chakotay's answering smile. "I look forward to meeting your son," she said as she stood.**  
  
  
  
**Kathryn sat on her couch flexing her stiff neck side to side. She could feel the headache building as her shoulders tightened. She looked around her quarters and sighed. At least the room was finally clean. The rest of the ship was in much better shape. She always left her own quarters for last. She stretched her feet out and set them on the coffee table, curling and uncurling her toes now free of the boots. She lay her head back and closed her eyes, trying to relax her body. But never did the cup of coffee nestled in her hands even quiver.  
Eyes still closed, she took a sip of the black coffee. The dark bite slid over her tongue and she felt the heat flow into her chest. It centered her, pulled her in and made her focus. It reminded her that it was not yet time to relax. She turned her head to the viewport then opened her eyes. The ship was speeding through the stars on it's way home once again.  
The small journal rested in the viewport ledge, a corner crunched inward. She sighed again as she reached for the book. Yet another personal item that had been tossed aside when her ship had been taken. She opened the book, trying to smooth out the corner. It was time again to write.**  
  
There were times that I didn't think I'd be continuing this journal. Or doing much of anything else on Voyager for that matter. I almost lost her. No, I did loose Voyager. To Seska and Maje Cullah and the Kazon.   
  
But, we're back now, back on Voyager and making our way back to the Alpha Quadrant. We wouldn't be if Tom, Sudor, the Talaxians and the Doctor hadn't acted as bravely and creatively as they did. Sudor's dead now. So is Seska.  
  
I'm not writing this very coherently, am I? It's only now, now that we are OK again, that I realize how frightened I was. How close we came to losing everything.  
  
Just before everything happened, I met with Mr. Sudor. Tuvok felt that he had made considerable progress and that he could be trusted to take on more duties. He wanted to work on plants and help Kes with the hydroponics. His preliminary work did show promise. He'd developed a new hybrid orchid that was amazing. He was still learning how to deal with anger and frustration, but Tuvok was right. He had made progress and did demonstrate a hopeful ability to deal with the plants. I didn't know what to do except to keep him confined, even if for 70 years. If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, he could have been rehabilitated or perhaps helped in some other way. Here, there was nothing else I could think of.  
  
But he's dead now. In spite of what he had done, he was a member of this crew. And now he's another member of this ship who will not return home. May he find the Peace in death that he did not know in Life.  
  
It must have been Seska who planned this attack on Voyager. She knew where to damage us so I wouldn't be able to initiate self-destruct. Cullah might be the leader of the Nistrum, but it's Seska's cunning that we fell victim to. She baited us claiming to have Chakotay's son. The Doctor has confirmed that the child was not Chakotay's, but we didn't know that at first. There was no way for us to know. And Chakotay would never have left his son behind, much less with the Kazon. And we I would not leave his child either.  
  
And so I walked into her trap and lost Voyager.  
  
I still don't know why she left us on that planet. I fully expect her and certainly the Kazon to kill us once they took Voyager. But they didn't. Perhaps it was nothing more than their idea of revenge. That wouldn't be beyond Seska that kind of revenge. To strand us on that planet, to take Chakotay's son, to leave us with nothing. Yes, that was certainly Seska's doing.  
  
What in the world did Chakotay ever see in her???  
  
"The only Indian in the universe who can't start a fire by rubbing two sticks together." There is so much that he does do. At least he didn't make any comments about my red hair or blazing temper. His eyes can be so intense sometimes. He doesn't like not meeting the high standards he sets for himself. I think sometimes, he fails to see what he does do. He didn't even give me the time to try to stop him when he ran to the river of lava to save the alien woman. To see him, standing on that small rock in the middle of the lava river shook me to the core, yet I could not look away. His act forged the trust between the aliens and us and that trust is what saved little Naomi. He has a way with that.  
  
This is so garbled. Even as I write, I see myself leaping between events and places even as I try to put some order on things. It's said that everything happens for a reason. I hated "roughing it" with a replicator and here I sit with pen and paper scratching my thoughts into fiber. Perhaps that's the reason to have started this journal. To put some order on the things that seem so disordered.  
  
"You may find nobility in the savage, but he is only interested in killing you." Like him, I don't believe that either. I thought we'd have to spend a long time with the aliens, but even though we were able to leave, we left in peace. Scared them half to death or they think we're Gods, but we still left in peace. There is so much potential in almost every living being. Sudor. The aliens. The Maquis. Even Cullah took the child with him when he left.  
  
When they first boarded us, Cullah said that he would raise Chakotay's son as his own. Now, I wonder if he knew that the child was his and not Chakotay's. Seska had told him that Chakotay had forced himself. God, whatever Hell she is in, Seska has a lot to answer for.  
  
One night on the planet, I had trouble sleeping and stepped outside the cave. The moon was full and cast a silver haze on everything.  
  
"Do you have insomnia no matter where you are?"  
  
I knew we had posted guards, but his voice still startled me. I hadn't planned on talking with anyone... just thought that stretching my legs might help me sleep.  
  
"Well, the deluxe accommodations here are just a little too soft and comfy," I replied. He smiled at that. He hadn't been smiling much lately. None of us had, really. I wondered how he was doing, but didn't quite know how to ask him. He had just found out about his son, his former lover had just helped strand us on this planet, and like always, he shouldered more than his responsibility for this crew. I sat down beside him on the cooling sand.  
  
"I'm doing OK, Kathryn," he said softly. How does he know my thoughts? I watched my hand settle against his chest yet again. Why do I do that??  
  
"I'm sorry," he whispered.   
  
I interrupted him before he said anything else. "Chakotay, you have no responsibility in any of this. You can't control Seska's actions any more than I can. We can only deal with what we have. Voyager will come back." I know I told him that. I also know that I wasn't sure of it. How many times could we keep beating the odds? How many times will we keep beating them?  
  
He still blamed himself. In that silver night glow, I could see his eyes darken in anger. He doesn't anger very often, but it's always a little bit scary when he does. He's like a volcano. Maybe that's why he could leap into that river of lava without thinking.  
  
"Chakotay, you had no reason not to trust her until her secret came out. You trust people and expect that they will do the right thing. Even the aliens here. But not everyone does the right thing. There are other Seska's in the universe. But that shouldn't lessen your expectations of them. Or mine. I took her onto Voyager too, you know. She betrayed all of us."  
  
Seska's dead. She'll never betray him or any of us ever again.  
  
The Doctor said that she really did think that her son was Chakotay's. I think she did. That was her last grasp at claiming her Alpha Quadrant life. Born Cardassian, chemically and surgically changed into a Bajoran, pretending to be a Maquis, forced to serve on a Federation ship, then finally joining the Kazons. Did she even know who she was?  
  
I wonder if Cullah loved her. I think he must have. He said he hated how the women of the Alpha Quadrant were independent. Yet he seemed to always abide by Seska's wishes, even if first he made a show of keeping her subservient. And it was just a show. She planned and led their attack on Voyager, even if it was under Cullah's shadow. He even let her pass off the baby as Chakotay's. I don't believe that Cullah's one to take a baby, truly take a baby as his own unless it is his. And there was no reason for him to take the baby from Voyager except that he knew he was the father.  
  
How sad that Seska would be loved so twice and never realize the gifts. To throw it way twice. As much as I loath Cullah and hope we've seen the last of him, I think he loved her. I know Chakotay did. And I can't help but think his love would be a very rare gift.  
  
But we do have a baby on Voyager. Naomi has become the pride of everyone on board. I don't think that child's feet will ever touch the deck the way everyone wants to hold her all the time. She's a sweet child and she laughs a lot when Chakotay holds her.  
  
**Kathryn set the pen and journal on the cushion beside her. She reached for her coffee cup and pulled her feet under her as she twisted sideways to look out the viewport. Before her thoughts could drift, someone signaled for entrance to her quarters.  
"Captain, these are the reports you wanted," Chakotay said as he entered after she opened the door. He reach out with one hand clutching a few PADDs that looked as if they were ready to scatter to the floor. His other arm held Naomi who also looked eager to escape.  
Kathryn ignored his outstretched hand and reached around it to take Voyager's newest crew member. She overrode his "Hey!" with her "Captain's prerogative!"  
"Fine," he replied. "But Sam's expecting her back soon and you know how angry mothers can be."  
Chakotay watched Kathryn settle back onto the couch, Naomi on her lap. He laughed as Kathryn suddenly made cooing noises to the baby. He wished he had held his silence as he watched the Captain's Masque slip on as she started talking to Naomi. He knew that the next time he brought the baby by, he would keep silent.** 


End file.
